I am sure I am not alone in wondering where life would lead us. Most of the time, I feel like I am just being swept away wherever it flows and I am nothing but a helpless pawn; and no matter how much I try to plan my path, something always happens that pushes me off the track.
In many of my prayers, I have repeatedly wondered if I am praying for naught. But something in me stirs and fuels me to hang on for one more day, everyday. I guess that’s faith; and so I continue to count the days until some sort of a miracle unfolds.
I used to believe that miracles always come in some big and majestic form, similar to the miracles that we’ve read in the Bible: turning water into wine; Lazarus brought back to life; and parting of the Red Sea. Due to the magnitude of the miracles we’ve been weaned on, we have lost sight of the other miracles that the Lord always prepares for us everyday: waking up to a new morning, flowers blooming, butterflies in the garden, a free parking space in a crowded mall, my E string holding up for another day despite being on the brink of snapping on any given sf.
I am at the point of my life where I am in the middle of spiritual dryness, skepticism, believing, surrendering and giving up. It is a daily struggle because my heart and my mind are always on a daily debate on what to believe in. My heart screams that there is a God in the universe who truly loves me and wants nothing but the best. But my mind criticizes the past events that brought this kind of doubting and the miracles I have been denied of. And most days, I have to work really hard to see the goodness that is left in the world. There are bad days when I would go to bed with the past in my head and the visions, vivid. Fresh tears would run down my face and I’d have to cry into my pillow to muffle the anguished cries that dare escape my lips. But there are good days when I am reminded that He is in charge of even the most minute details of my life. Like days when I am craving for steak and cake and I don’t have the extra cash to splurge; then my brother-in-law comes to the rescue with a box of chocolate cake, or when at a gig we are served this huge chunk of steak with a slice of cake for dessert. And suddenly, everything is alright with the world again, even for just moment.